thoughts that are alive.

Well it's 3 more days. 3 more days til I'm be back at IWU.

Wow, this summer has been a whirlwind. I feel like I've learned so much. I'm being wooed back to my Creator. I'm really digging the band "Ellery" right now. It's been playing in and out of my mind for the past 2 days. My back has also been hurting for the past two days. It makes it hard to sit and walk when it hurts so much. I feel like I'm dealing with SO many issues. I don't know how to handle all the addictions and it feels worse because I'm actually AWARE of them now. I desperately crave people's approvals, food (not for the taste but the numbing), and facebook/ envy. I really am jealous of everyone else and their personalities because I'm not secure in who I've been made to be. and then when I am...it's like I'm prideful. I'm so competitive..hah. It's so hard for me to grasp how big God is and how much he loves. LOVES. Ahh. intense heartbreak. I know what that feels like, when you put yourself completely out there and vulnerable and then your heart is stomped on by people who don't give a d***. I guess I know what God feels. sorta. Only His is my pain multiplied by a BILLION. But...I don't want to give God my love because of guilt over His feelings. I want to truly love. TO love with all that I am. To not expect things in return for my love. He's always provided. For school, for interning, money, people, my first break-up. and He's made it beautiful and for a purpose...a reason. I'm so in awe of this HUGE God who loves me. Me. I know that it's not all about me but so often I'm caught in this Lie. and the more I try to break free the more guilty I feel about failing....and then it slips into people pleasing as a alternative to self. Oh Jesus. Teach me to hunger after you. To trust you with every fiber of my being that was knit together with your divine hand. I thank you for your beautiful design. I'm done believing this lie that I'm ugly and fat and that I hate myself. NO! No more. I will not. YOU are strong in me, Lord. Help these lies to stop penetrating the core of who I am because I'm going forward and not going back to those lies. I AM YOURS. You created me. Me. A divinely created being. BEING. I'm being. Doing things can't define me. I can't live without you..you are my lover and my best friend, Jesus. Use me! Show yourself in me. Help me to stop being so concerned with MY image and how people perceive ME. Let them see you. May you become greater and I become less. Greater Lord. Greater. I long to love you purely. To let my desires become one with yours. Oh Jesus, refresh this greasy grimey soul with your light...pure and cleansing. Oh Lord, I am nothing but yours.

I am yours.

love.

i love..

i love jesus.

He loved me first.