oh Jesus. How I don't know if I can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lord Jesus,...How do I explain this feeling...I want a relationship so bad. I want to be loved and to love someone so much. To be kissed softly and looked at with eyes that long to know more of my soul. God, I want to rest my head on his chest and to just breathe with him. I want to spend my life in an adventure with a man with brilliant dreams. I don't ever want life to be boring. I want to know him deeply and to be intrigued with the way you made him. God, I long to be looked at with such affection that I am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. I want to enjoy walking and talking with him. To explore life together. to travel. To know more of you God. To run deeper into the depths of your grace. Oh God..when? I want to meet him. I don't want all the insecurity of the beginning of a relationship though. I hate that. I want it to be exciting and full of energy and no fear. God, I know that you know who my next bf and my husband will be. I love you and I really want to meet him. God help make me complete in you. I can never find fulfillment in a man's affections and kisses for me. God I feel so much love through physical touch and I'm almost scared of it. I feel guilty for liking it so much. Especially in public. I feel like others are judging me. Oh God, I don't know how to do this. I love to be kissed and held and physically near someone. God, help me. Should I not kiss til I married? Maybe it will be easier that way? Because sometimes it's more fun to just kiss rather than talk once you start it's kinda addicting. I feel loved when I am hugged and held close so it's hard to come up with good boundaries and that has always bugged me. Please God, show me some Godly wisdom from some women who have felt the same way. Help me not to compare my next relationship with the previous constantly. I want to express myself fully to you and how do I do that if I am dedicating so much of my life to one person? Jesus, I have so many questions. Please teach me to listen to you and to realize that I am never complete until I with you. God it might be easier just not to kiss, actually. I don't know. I look forward to it so much. Please work on my heart. I want to be able to give my all to you with no regrets. I'm so glad that I'm your child and I can talk to you about all of this. Please Jesus...let him come soon. I want to meet him and get to know him so badly. I will trust you.

Oh chick flicks. This is what you stir up in me!

Well, it's 2am and this day...haha. I have so much to be thankful for.
First of all, I woke up at 11:35am. If that isn't something to rejoice over...I don't know what is.
Then I had a really good conversation with cait, I always end up talking to her about the most meaningful things. It's so refreshing and I really love her so very much.
I ate lunch with Carita, joel, chelsey and Kristen. It was good and had some great inside jokes with Chelsey who is apparently "2nd in line to God" bc her opinion matters that much...we talked to Jer afterwards about this idea he has for a photoshoot..
then I got a Twix icecream bar...SO good, it had these little crunchy bits in them that were great! After spending some time reading about Abraham...Cait came back from working out and we had a great convo about Stacy and Casey and Bosnia/spiritual gifts and God. It was so cool. and she wrote back to kcuhc and helped to have some closure...finally!
I had Starbucks with Laurelin and we talked about Sarah and Alex / family / and Chapel and the difference we wanted to see in the way it was run and the way our world works. It was so good and thought provoking. Laurelin really builds me up, she validates almost everything I say and laughs at all my jokes. So nice. =)
then we went to the Dollar store and got food and a reception Cd that has some pretty sweet oldies on it that I couldn't pass up for a buck. Laurelin helped me identify the brakes on my car not working and that I needed to get them checked out soon. Good. Also she is letting me borrow her Chinese book. SCORE!
I came back to the room and looked up logos for Advanced graphics and felt so guilty cuz I didn't go out and run in the beautiful weather. I began to feel really really fat and that I ate too much and yada yada.
Then chelsey called and I went to dinner with her and ended up sitting with her and her friend Jen. It was really fun and I like seeing us all interact in a fun/sarcastic way. then I walked back to the dorm with Chelsey playing the "push you off the sidewalk" game that she really is good at.
When I got back to the dorm I called dad about the brakes and he helped me look up some places and it was good just to be on the phone with him. I talked to him for 40min. Then I went and worked out which helped SO much!! I was renewed with God and it just let off so much of my anxiety. I really like doing the eliptical and the treadmill!~
Then I went back and did major research for photo and email sam,jess and called carita. I have photoshoot on Tuesday and I'm super stoked! I also researched 3Rlighting and kristin came over and used my printer. Then commented on Sharon and Danielle's blogs and created a new one for me called okeydaisy055. Pretty excited. Then I went out and watched erica (running) play cards at the desk with Brittany and another girl and I'm going to go to church with them at 747 tomorrow! yay! I can sLEEP! and I don't have to use my car! Double score! I might have to use it to get posterboard from walmart...but that's okay. Maybe I can just use a white poster and my silver folder. Yep. I bought a gray card online. That easy! I remember when it was super hard to buy stuff online and credit cards were scary. It's so good that they aren't anymore. that's so good. I normally forget to be thankful for that kind of stuff. Lord, I know that you are doing a new thing in my life.


And I don't believe that who I am is something I can find
it's whatever I create with what I do with all my time
and who I choose to love with all my heart my strength and mind
and whether I believe that what I have is really mine.

and I want to live with wider eyes there's far too much to see
to think of nothing else but where I am and where I'll be
I've been longing for the freedom that is waiting silently
in the life that's just beyond the small perimeter of me.

Ellery~

Thank you Lord for restoring my joy. For breaking through the lies of self hate. And giving me brother and sisters who care about me and are lifting each other up.

God, I'm so thankful. Thank you.

i love you.