Friday, May 30, 2008
ugh. Lord I feel so gross. Yesterday Dru talked about the girl from WOW, Shea liking him and then talking to Ashley on the way to pick up Deerock. Lord I know that I shouldn't be jealous but God I definitely am. I feel stupid for liking him when he will probably just find someone else while I'm in China. I mean, I don't talk to him for a couple days and he calls his ex. He said he was sad bc she likes someone else and I can understand that but it still doesn't make this any easier. I am insecure bc she is SO pretty and I've always been jealous of her. God it doesn't make this easy AT all. I feel fat and just one of the many girls that he has chosen to occupy his time. I don't feel special. Lord I'm the only blond that he has been attracted to and I don't know what I think about that. I'm just really insecure and I've been thinking about it all morning. talking to him on the phone didn't help bc he was tired and not very good about making conversation and I am very very UGH!!! Right now. Oh God. This hurts and it hurts also bc I feel like you are telling me that you told me so.....I know this isn't true, but this could definitely be a sign of what to be warned of. He is such an outgoing guy and he will find someone that will really be better for him than I would. God I just feel like I don't have enough in common with him and that I can't talk to him about deep spiritual things that you are teaching me without really trying to bring them up. Lord I want him to bring them up!!! I just don't know. I'm really sad and I've been thinking about it all morning and making myself sick. I ate a bunch of icecream and now I feel fat. I did do alot of data entry for China and that was good...thank you for that. I need to go to the doctor's office and then to the notary. Lord help me to be secure in YOUR love for me. You are a faithful husband who will never leave me or forsake me. Lord I'm not even dating Dru and I'm enforcing these rules that he can't talk to his ex. That's not fair to him. He wouldn't mind if I talked to Chuck or Jeremy. I know this. I just am so hurt bc I think that he might talk to her ALL the time and that they might have more in common and that he still isn't over her. Lord it hurts to be a "filler" and I kind of feel that way. Please help me. I am really hurting and I would love to be focusing on you. Please help me to love and to give. I really need you. I need to give this up to you more than I can even imagine. Please help me to get my China stuff sent out today. I really need your help. I am desperately seeking love and I feel SO LONELY. I feel like no one can truly see me, deep inside. I need you and your affirmation about who I am in you God. Please help me to see past the lies that Satan is throwing up in my face. I am YOURS GOD. I AM LOVED. I AM CHERISHED. I AM CHOSEN. I AM YOUR DAUGHTER. YOUR PRECIOUS ONE. YOUR LILY. YOUR DARLING. I AM LOVED FOR WHO I AM...not what I do. I AM FORGIVEN. I AM BLESSED. I AM SAVED. Oh Jesus renew my heart with your grace. Your everlasting grace. I love you Jesus.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
TRUTH.
When I start getting scared about going to China it's good to know that I can rely on Truth that will never ever change unlike my feelings. I'm so grateful for a God who is immutable and will stick with me through the good and bad times. I've been really scared and plagued with thoughts lately about being alone, being forgotten and being incapable. Now I know in my mind that these are lies, but dang....tell my heart that! I was crying my eyes out yesterday morning as I was being beat up with these fears. I'm so grateful for my friends who have comforted me in the midst of these insecurities and told me that it will be okay..even though they know I already "know" it. It's good to be reminded.
Jesus, thank you for Truth in the midst of these fears and struggles in my mind.
I will never be forsaken.
Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
I will never be forgotten.
Isaiah 44:20-22
20 He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him;
he cannot save himself, or say,
"Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?"
21 "Remember these things, O Jacob,
for you are my servant, O Israel.
I have made you, you are my servant;
O Israel, I will not forget you.
22 I have swept away your offenses like a cloud,
your sins like the morning mist.
Return to me,
for I have redeemed you."
I will never be alone.
Joshua 1:5
No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
I don't have to carry this burden for these people on my own.
Numbers 11:17 I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take of the Spirit that is on you and put the Spirit on them. They will help you carry the burden of the people so that you will not have to carry it alone.
Hebrews 7:25 Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.
Romans 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
Thank you Jesus. You are always here.
NMW. No Matter What.
You ALWAYS pull through. Amazing.
Cya~Kristina~
When I start getting scared about going to China it's good to know that I can rely on Truth that will never ever change unlike my feelings. I'm so grateful for a God who is immutable and will stick with me through the good and bad times. I've been really scared and plagued with thoughts lately about being alone, being forgotten and being incapable. Now I know in my mind that these are lies, but dang....tell my heart that! I was crying my eyes out yesterday morning as I was being beat up with these fears. I'm so grateful for my friends who have comforted me in the midst of these insecurities and told me that it will be okay..even though they know I already "know" it. It's good to be reminded.
Jesus, thank you for Truth in the midst of these fears and struggles in my mind.
I will never be forsaken.
Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
I will never be forgotten.
Isaiah 44:20-22
20 He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him;
he cannot save himself, or say,
"Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?"
21 "Remember these things, O Jacob,
for you are my servant, O Israel.
I have made you, you are my servant;
O Israel, I will not forget you.
22 I have swept away your offenses like a cloud,
your sins like the morning mist.
Return to me,
for I have redeemed you."
I will never be alone.
Joshua 1:5
No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
I don't have to carry this burden for these people on my own.
Numbers 11:17 I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take of the Spirit that is on you and put the Spirit on them. They will help you carry the burden of the people so that you will not have to carry it alone.
Hebrews 7:25 Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.
Romans 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
Thank you Jesus. You are always here.
NMW. No Matter What.
You ALWAYS pull through. Amazing.
Cya~Kristina~
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Imagine.
Jesus looking down at a little girl and showing her the world: smiling, laughing, bright excitement, love, contentment, joy, fulfillment, safety, rest, truth, beauty, cherished...it brings out beauty. Beauty called out.
After I watch this video, I cry EVERY time. Not because it is well made. But because it reminds my heart about who is seeking me and how He longs to hold my affections.
The Lord reminded me...."You are loved, Kristina. don't for forget that I have a plan for you beyond this world, beyond this universe..beyond this place of life. I have called you higher to dwell with me in my heart where I live. Don't be afraid of the heights. You have always wanted to fly.
To fly you must be up high. A risk. A Risk."
I am so easily distractable. Whatever is going on at the moment I am drawn to and it takes my attention. But I've noticed that I am becoming numb. Numb to the things that used to prick my heart and numb to putting the Lord first. I run to everything else that provides temporary fulfillment. I can so feel what Paul is saying in Romans 7:15-18...
"What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.
But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time."
How this passage echoes my heart's cry. I long to follow the Lord's commands yet I seem to fall short every time. I can give grace to others quite easily but with myself it is so difficult. I'd rather give excuses.
It's so incredible to me that the Lord is not surprised with my shortcomings. He didn't wake up today and realize that I am fallible. He knew it all along and He fights for me. He fights for my attention. He fights for my affections. He longs to capture my heart and be the first thing on my mind. How is this possible? I don't deserve such a love! Doesn't He know this?! Doesn't He know? I think it scares me that He not only knows that I don't deserve it, but He doesn't care.
He loves me anyway.
The me that no one that I don't allow others to see..He loves all of us this way. What a wonderful Savior! I don't have to be bogged down by guilt but I can be FREE to sing and laugh and play in His presence without fear of condemnation!! I am chosen! YOU are chosen! We can all sing together in Unity because we are messed up...BUT we are loved! He wants me to seek Him first and obey because He knows that that is what is ultimately best for me...and He loves me enough to love me in spite of how I treat Him.
What a beautiful paradox.
Jesus looking down at a little girl and showing her the world: smiling, laughing, bright excitement, love, contentment, joy, fulfillment, safety, rest, truth, beauty, cherished...it brings out beauty. Beauty called out.
After I watch this video, I cry EVERY time. Not because it is well made. But because it reminds my heart about who is seeking me and how He longs to hold my affections.
The Lord reminded me...."You are loved, Kristina. don't for forget that I have a plan for you beyond this world, beyond this universe..beyond this place of life. I have called you higher to dwell with me in my heart where I live. Don't be afraid of the heights. You have always wanted to fly.
To fly you must be up high. A risk. A Risk."
I am so easily distractable. Whatever is going on at the moment I am drawn to and it takes my attention. But I've noticed that I am becoming numb. Numb to the things that used to prick my heart and numb to putting the Lord first. I run to everything else that provides temporary fulfillment. I can so feel what Paul is saying in Romans 7:15-18...
"What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.
But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time."
How this passage echoes my heart's cry. I long to follow the Lord's commands yet I seem to fall short every time. I can give grace to others quite easily but with myself it is so difficult. I'd rather give excuses.
It's so incredible to me that the Lord is not surprised with my shortcomings. He didn't wake up today and realize that I am fallible. He knew it all along and He fights for me. He fights for my attention. He fights for my affections. He longs to capture my heart and be the first thing on my mind. How is this possible? I don't deserve such a love! Doesn't He know this?! Doesn't He know? I think it scares me that He not only knows that I don't deserve it, but He doesn't care.
He loves me anyway.
The me that no one that I don't allow others to see..He loves all of us this way. What a wonderful Savior! I don't have to be bogged down by guilt but I can be FREE to sing and laugh and play in His presence without fear of condemnation!! I am chosen! YOU are chosen! We can all sing together in Unity because we are messed up...BUT we are loved! He wants me to seek Him first and obey because He knows that that is what is ultimately best for me...and He loves me enough to love me in spite of how I treat Him.
What a beautiful paradox.
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