ugh. Lord I feel so gross. Yesterday Dru talked about the girl from WOW, Shea liking him and then talking to Ashley on the way to pick up Deerock. Lord I know that I shouldn't be jealous but God I definitely am. I feel stupid for liking him when he will probably just find someone else while I'm in China. I mean, I don't talk to him for a couple days and he calls his ex. He said he was sad bc she likes someone else and I can understand that but it still doesn't make this any easier. I am insecure bc she is SO pretty and I've always been jealous of her. God it doesn't make this easy AT all. I feel fat and just one of the many girls that he has chosen to occupy his time. I don't feel special. Lord I'm the only blond that he has been attracted to and I don't know what I think about that. I'm just really insecure and I've been thinking about it all morning. talking to him on the phone didn't help bc he was tired and not very good about making conversation and I am very very UGH!!! Right now. Oh God. This hurts and it hurts also bc I feel like you are telling me that you told me so.....I know this isn't true, but this could definitely be a sign of what to be warned of. He is such an outgoing guy and he will find someone that will really be better for him than I would. God I just feel like I don't have enough in common with him and that I can't talk to him about deep spiritual things that you are teaching me without really trying to bring them up. Lord I want him to bring them up!!! I just don't know. I'm really sad and I've been thinking about it all morning and making myself sick. I ate a bunch of icecream and now I feel fat. I did do alot of data entry for China and that was good...thank you for that. I need to go to the doctor's office and then to the notary. Lord help me to be secure in YOUR love for me. You are a faithful husband who will never leave me or forsake me. Lord I'm not even dating Dru and I'm enforcing these rules that he can't talk to his ex. That's not fair to him. He wouldn't mind if I talked to Chuck or Jeremy. I know this. I just am so hurt bc I think that he might talk to her ALL the time and that they might have more in common and that he still isn't over her. Lord it hurts to be a "filler" and I kind of feel that way. Please help me. I am really hurting and I would love to be focusing on you. Please help me to love and to give. I really need you. I need to give this up to you more than I can even imagine. Please help me to get my China stuff sent out today. I really need your help. I am desperately seeking love and I feel SO LONELY. I feel like no one can truly see me, deep inside. I need you and your affirmation about who I am in you God. Please help me to see past the lies that Satan is throwing up in my face. I am YOURS GOD. I AM LOVED. I AM CHERISHED. I AM CHOSEN. I AM YOUR DAUGHTER. YOUR PRECIOUS ONE. YOUR LILY. YOUR DARLING. I AM LOVED FOR WHO I AM...not what I do. I AM FORGIVEN. I AM BLESSED. I AM SAVED. Oh Jesus renew my heart with your grace. Your everlasting grace. I love you Jesus.