Poema.

LET US NOT BE WEARY IN WELL DOING: FOR IN DUE SEASON WE SHALL REAP, IF WE FAINT NOT.

_GALATIONS 6.9_



Thoughts spilling out....
on the pages of life.

Digging
_
_ deeper >>> I just want to be THERE!

enjoying the journey is a lesson for me

each day is a droplet

of LIFE

into a pool of ABUNDANT living.
Help me to live.
to give.

for the only way to be filled,
is to be emptied.
And the only way to live,
is to die.

Dying to the world with it's sugar-crusted fancies....is such a struggle for me.



carnality has gripped me.
let go...LET GO.

I want to trust again.
to dive deeply into the abundant life.

where life has purpose below teh shallow waters of superficiality.

Find me.

Find me.

Find me.


my soul cries.

but yet only YOU can satisfy my searching soul.

This heart's cry of hunger.

desperation.

hunger that knaws and aches, but I choose to ignore it...while I feed on the sugar-crusted superficiality.




Temporary relief yet...

there IS something more, right?

Love is REAL.

I will not stop...you keep me going somehow.

We will be together.

hurt will fade...and everything will be okay.

vent.

God!!!!!! HELP ME. I'm so tired of myself and how I keep screwing up. I want to love myself but I don't. I hate me! God, why am I so fat? Why am I stuck here on facebook when I could be spending time with you. Why do I envy the girls who are flirty and get attention and are skinny? I'm so tired of this. I want to just stick to eating healthy yet.....I feel like I can't. I got to do almost everything on my list today yet I am not satisfied. It's just not enough. I want to be loved. I want to make a difference. I feel so trapped in myself. Help me Jesus for you know that I can't do this by myself. I just sent the website to Mark and he said it's great but he wants another one...totally different. AHH!!! Does he know that it took up my evening and it takes time!!! Arg. Jesus, help me to love people and to give them grace. My head hurts and I want to have somebody to love. I want to be loved. I want to be beautiful. Why isn't the tanning, eating and running working?? I think it's bc I eat too much and gorge myself. I feel so shameful. I want to be happy on the inside like I am on the outside. You made me. Help me to see past all these lies. They are haunting me. I feel so hurt. GOD help me. I'm going to go to sleep now.

skinned knees and broken words

Life. Hmm...I'm so thankful. thoughts are whizzing through my brain as I think about my life so far. Or is it really my life...no it's not. It's breath and life given/ on loan/ borrowed from my Creator. Oh how I love Him. I long to know Him more. But so many things seem to break my attention away. Life is at such an exciting and uncertain time...How I wish I knew what was going to happen. When I'm going to meet my husband...is love real? It seems like love can be such a let down. I don't think I want to fully embrace it because I don't want to risk rejection. It's so nice though..I'm just beginning to realize how Jesus loves me...no matter what. NO matter if I perform or how beautiful or not.....wow. I'm so inadequate yet He has chosen me. Wow. I don't know how i can believe it, yet I want to. I'm beginning to realize that I'm not really fat. wow. That's the first time I think I've ever written that. Ryan told me the other night that "You aren't even beginning to be fat." those words were so healing for me to hear. I read in my journal tonight an entry from 2003....4 years ago...and I'm complaining about being 133lbs and feeling fat. hah..that's my goal weight now...and I thought I'd be happy if I reached that point. I'm at 145ish now and I thought I'd be happy if I was less. I'm starting to realize that I'm never going to be "happy?" with a certain weight. I have to choose to be content with who God made me to be...because that never fluctuates and His love for me never changes. He made me with a specific shape for a reason. That's so hard for me to believe...but thank you Jesus. I just recently added my friends from soccer (Kolping) and they all look relatively the same from when we were in gradeschool. The skinny ones are still skinnier and the bigger ones are still bigger but they are all beautiful because I don't just see faces but I see the little girls who grew up and their "story"...who they are. and they are all so beautiful. That must be how God sees me. I'm not just a size or a number but an intimate love story that began with my birth...He is such a committed Husband and Father. I'm so in awe with how He loved me even before I was born. How He spent days..even years before eternity began thinking of how many hairs I would have on my head and how He couldn't wait for the first day that I told Him that I loved Him. It makes me want to cry. How can He love me so much?!? I am so fickle. I can be so up and down in my emotions toward Him and yet He still consistently picks me up and scrapes on the caked dirt off my grass stained jeans and wipes my bloody cut with His healing hand. Oh how I love Him! He loved me first....Oh Jesus....teach me to love.