skinned knees and broken words

Life. Hmm...I'm so thankful. thoughts are whizzing through my brain as I think about my life so far. Or is it really my life...no it's not. It's breath and life given/ on loan/ borrowed from my Creator. Oh how I love Him. I long to know Him more. But so many things seem to break my attention away. Life is at such an exciting and uncertain time...How I wish I knew what was going to happen. When I'm going to meet my husband...is love real? It seems like love can be such a let down. I don't think I want to fully embrace it because I don't want to risk rejection. It's so nice though..I'm just beginning to realize how Jesus loves me...no matter what. NO matter if I perform or how beautiful or not.....wow. I'm so inadequate yet He has chosen me. Wow. I don't know how i can believe it, yet I want to. I'm beginning to realize that I'm not really fat. wow. That's the first time I think I've ever written that. Ryan told me the other night that "You aren't even beginning to be fat." those words were so healing for me to hear. I read in my journal tonight an entry from 2003....4 years ago...and I'm complaining about being 133lbs and feeling fat. hah..that's my goal weight now...and I thought I'd be happy if I reached that point. I'm at 145ish now and I thought I'd be happy if I was less. I'm starting to realize that I'm never going to be "happy?" with a certain weight. I have to choose to be content with who God made me to be...because that never fluctuates and His love for me never changes. He made me with a specific shape for a reason. That's so hard for me to believe...but thank you Jesus. I just recently added my friends from soccer (Kolping) and they all look relatively the same from when we were in gradeschool. The skinny ones are still skinnier and the bigger ones are still bigger but they are all beautiful because I don't just see faces but I see the little girls who grew up and their "story"...who they are. and they are all so beautiful. That must be how God sees me. I'm not just a size or a number but an intimate love story that began with my birth...He is such a committed Husband and Father. I'm so in awe with how He loved me even before I was born. How He spent days..even years before eternity began thinking of how many hairs I would have on my head and how He couldn't wait for the first day that I told Him that I loved Him. It makes me want to cry. How can He love me so much?!? I am so fickle. I can be so up and down in my emotions toward Him and yet He still consistently picks me up and scrapes on the caked dirt off my grass stained jeans and wipes my bloody cut with His healing hand. Oh how I love Him! He loved me first....Oh Jesus....teach me to love.