I always thought that I was an open person.
Yet I’m learning that I am only open with the 3 specific emotions that I allow others to see. I can let others see me with these 3 emotions: 1. happy/excited 2. joyful 3.tired.

Very few people have seen me cry.


I always thought it was because I was a strong person…because I’ve been though a lot in my 21 years, but no. It’s not because I’m strong. It’s because I’m weak. I’m afraid of getting hurt even further when I’m vulnerable with people with the deeper parts of my personality and my family. Facts are “okay” for be to display but I don’t let others see how this all has affected me. It’s not entirely because I don’t want others to see it, it’s just because I categorize things in my brain and I’ll stuff all the negative feelings that I don’t want to think about in the back part of the attic of my brain and decide that I’ll deal with it later. Later turns into never and before I know it, I don’t even realize that I had even been hurt.


For example. This is hard for me to even type this…but I was so freakin’ scared of coming home this time for Easter break.

My mom is….in and out of my life and I don’t know how to deal with it.

After my parents’ divorce, she moved out and I don’t know where she is living or even her phone number. I’ve always that somehow this was my fault. It doesn’t make sense, but I’ve had to almost raise myself. No wonder I’m so dang independent. The Lord has been telling me this week to mourn the death of the realization that I….didn’t really have a mom. I had to help her and emotionally support her, and be the go-between with her and my dad’s fighting since I was 13 years old. So needless to say, my life has been a little more than complicated.

I saw her over Spring break and she asked me desperately to spend time with her. I thought that it would be fine. So on that Friday we went to go and see a movie and hang out at the mall and get Wendy’s. Sounds like a normal thing for a mom and daughter to do, right? She was hugging me, telling me that she loved me constantly, laughing and for the lack of a better description….clinging to me. Yet, she didn’t really want to know about my life. She had no idea nor did she really care that I’m going to be leaving the country for 10 months in September. She said she would come to my art show, (and a million other things) yet somehow something always comes up and she bails. She isn’t consistent in showing love at all and it makes it hard to believe her when she does profess to love me. It’s hard for me to have the emotional teeter totter of her professing to care SO much about me….and then I don’t hear from her for 4 months. This isn’t normal and I’m so tired of dealing with this alone and telling other that I’m “Fine” when I’m breaking inside. I’ve forgiven her but I haven’t let myself realize that it really does affect me.

I cried in front of my room-mate, Cait, about this situation two days ago….Straight-up balled. And you know what? It actually felt so good. She saw me at my worst…with makeup streaming down my face and emotionally raw….and she still loved me and thought that what I was upset about was valid. It’s like I’ve been hiding behind this mask of trying to help everyone else with their problems and not allowing myself to be real and admit that I have pain in my life too.

I don’t think I would change what I have experienced in life AT ALL. I’m actually really grateful. I don’t think I would be prepared for what the Lord has for me if I had not gone through what I did.


Life in Christ is full of paradoxes.


The greatest Joy comes from the deepest pain.


The most amazing grace is seen most clearly from the deepest mire of sin.


True beauty arises from the ugliest situations.


To gain life, I must completely lose it.



To become rich, I must give all away.

I am in the most control when I am fully surrendered.


I am strongest when I am weak because His strength is displayed in my inabilities.

Love is not just something you receive, it is something you give.

Laughing (a cheerful heart) is the best medicine.

Joy. (I mean it’s a paradox in itself. It does not depend on the situation. Happiness can’t come close to that.)


I love you Jesus. Take me as I am. Help me to live to give. To love. To surrender. To give up my rights. To be real with other about my struggles.


Spring is my favorite season.

Easter is my favorite holiday.

My birthday is coming up on the day after April Fools
I’m so thankful that I am able to breathe.

TODAY is a great day.


Cya~Kristina~