hmm..

Lord jesus,

I'm holding onto you. I know that you will provide and you won't let me fall. It's scary to risk and to love with the fear of not being loved in return. Oh Jesus. Thank you that you love me with an everlasting love. Bless this night's sleep and I ask that you would protect it with your strength and your angels. Bless it and help me to really enjoy the rest you have given. Thank you for talia coming to church with me tomorrow and please help me to uplift her and just be a good big sister. Thank you for tonight and the unity you have brought. It's so encouraging and exciting. Lord please protect Joel's rest tonight and cause excitement and newness of life to well up within him. I pray that you would bless erica and forgive me for any feelings of resentment towards her since she brought pain/jealousy to carita. lord I trust and I rest in you. please fill her dreams with dreams of you and of your mercy. Thank you Jesus for who you made carita to be and how you've brought us back together as friends! that's so exciting. Lord help me to wake up with optimism to enjoy every moment rather than waiting for ty to email me back or see me at lunch. Sure, he's a cool guy but he doesn't fufill me like you do. I want to live my life sold out as a servant for you, Lord. Help me with my eating too, Lord. I'm kinda going overboard and I need you to just help me to eat moderately rather than all out. Thank you for helping me with that. I'm sorry and thank you for all of the blessings you have provided today. With cleaning and just joy and getting lunch for carita and dropping off mail and spending time with Hannah and going to Walmart. Lord you are so good to me. Seeing ty at dinner...he just seemed so down. God it hurts me to see him like that. Not only because I'm selfishly wanting him to be happy around me but also my heart hurts that he isn't experiencing joy. Lord fill him up with your contentment and peace and your rest. Thank you that you have given him peace beyond his ability to comprehend it. thank you that you are just working out the situations of his life that just seem impossible. Bless him with good night's rest and dreams that glorify you. You are such a good good God. Lord encourage his heart and help me to support him and really care about him as my friend. Lord thank you for all that you are doing with Carita, hannah's and my life. Teach me to be true to your calling. Thank you for allowing me to email ty tonight! It was so exciting to know that I could email him adn tell him what was on my heart about what he is dealing with. Help me to be a support to him and not just to email him for my own benefit. Thank you Jesus. You are such a good God. I trust in you. Grant me peace tonight because I still contain some anxiety. I bless you Jesus you are my all in all. I love you.

cya~Kristina~

a new day

Lord Jesus, I need you. Thank you so much for this morning. I feel really beautiful. Thank you for helping me to clean up my room and just clear some of those thoughts in my head. Lord continue to help with this journey I'm on with loving Ty. God, I want to follow you above anyone and I need you to help me to focus on serving you as your servant. Lord, you know every thought in my head and I just love that about you. Thanks for being so good to me in the prayer meeting last night. I really needed to talk to hannah and carita and it was really good to be able to relate to each other in that area. I want to give up control to you. I keep wondering why he didn't come but I know that he has good reasons. Lord thank you for aunt Cindy calling, it was so good to hear from her and that she might take off work and bring alexa up for my senior show. that's so exciting! Lord I'm so excited that my family and friends are going to attend. It makes me so glad and it almost makes all the work and pain worth it. haha. Please help me to keep that in perspective because I know that you are working out everything for my good. Lord Jesus, I'm broken. I can't do anything on my own and I need you to fill up this gaping void inside my soul. Even if Ty and I dated...it still wouldn't fill that hole. Lord help me to give him up to you. I want to support him with prayer and to intercede for him no matter if we get together or not. He is such an amazing guy and I want to love him like you do. Teach me how to love with the love that you give...even if it hurts, Lord. Thank you that you've made him. Thank you for the gentle spirit and the compassionate willing heart that you have given him. Thank you for making him a leader and giving him the balance of accepting and rejecting ideas with moderation. You are such a good God. Lord Jesus fill my heart. Thank you for letting me fall into your arms and just break down all the walls that I think that I am. Let me give up this image of myself that I want to portray and help me just to trust you to make me what you will. Lord I give up my future to you. No longer am I going to try to figure it all out. I trust that you will tell me when I need to move and what I need to do, day to day. I've been wondering if I should send out some of the marketing pkgs....but please confirm it and where to send them. Lord thank you that you have a divine business plan for me Lord Jesus. I want to follow you step by step rather than trying to figure it all out on my own. Calm my fears and let me rest in you. Thank you so much for your peace right now and the gentle music playing in the background. I don't want to give him up and even now I'm hoping that he will be in the student center when I go to put my mail in the slot or when I go to the art building. LORD!! I'm so tired of trying to manipulate my life. I want you to take control. Please help Hannah as she talks to Dilan and about the photo shoot. Teach me to pray and to help and support her. Lord not my will. Yours. I'm your servant and I know that I will only be fulfilled when I am following you. I want to be able to rejoice in the hardships and trials and know that I can be joyful in you. Lord thank you that you know all my thoughts and you still love me just the way I am. I want to be able to love you and to love ty like that. Open my mind to new horizons. I don't want an ordinary life. I want a life that is full of adventure and new beginnings and growth in you. Thank you so much that I am hungry and experiencing you and your grace in my life. Thank you so much for helping me with my eating and with all the thoughts of hatred towards myself. I want to give that all up to you. Lord, help Ahna even right now and help her to see the joy in your salvation and to be filled with your spirit today. Teach me to overflow with the power of your Holy Spirit. I'm so thankful that you hold onto me. Carry me dear Lord. Carry me. I love you.

Acts 2:25-28 (New International Version)

" 'I saw the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
26Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will live in hope,
27because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
28You have made known to me the paths of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence.

Sooo....there's this guy....

Jesus....I'm so confused. Is this not your will for me? Am I settling for 2nd best? I think that Ty is amaaaaazing and I'm not sure how to react to the tumultuous feelings of different emotions. God I almost wish it was a simple yes or no so I don't have to try to judge him to say no. I'm absolutely crazy when I'm around him. He makes me so happy. The only thing I see that makes me say no is that I might move to China and he has one more year of school left. BUT GOD! He's so perfect. I would love to have some deep conversations with him and just pick his brain. He is also SO attractive. I'm not attracted to a lot of guys, but he is SO cute. I am in awe of his love for people and his love for you. He is also really smart and has a love for you. I feel like he really cares about what is going on in people's lives. Lord I really want to spend time with him, it's crazy. It made me sad that he didn't come to prayer tonight and chose to watch Lost instead. Do I really want a guy who would do that? Hmm...Well I guess I don't know the whole story but that wasn't cool. Lord, should I excuse that? But I really really really like him and I just wanted him to come. It was so good to talk and listen to him beforehand and you really do seem to put him in my path when I don't ask you to. Like at dinner tonight. I wished that I could go over to him in line and ask him a question but he came OVER TO OUR TABLE! Ahh...I love it. He's so smart and dang he looked really good in his tshirt tonight. I don't know how a relationship would work though...I mean we would be so far apart! ugh...i hate trying to plan things when they aren't controllable or plannable. God, teach me how to trust you in this situation. I pray that you would help me to wait on your perfect timing rather than trying to take control and create my own perfect situation. God help me to let him go if that is what is needed. I trust that if I let him go that we can become even better friends than if I held onto the hope of a relationship. Help me to focus on you and your truth rather than on him. Thank you that you are in control and that I can trust you. It was so good to hear from Jon and all that you are doing in his life and his relationship with Danielle. Lord I want to just live in the here and now and just let you take care of the rest. I can let you take care of me and I don't have to manipulate. help me with ALLLLL the HW

oh Jesus. How I don't know if I can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lord Jesus,...How do I explain this feeling...I want a relationship so bad. I want to be loved and to love someone so much. To be kissed softly and looked at with eyes that long to know more of my soul. God, I want to rest my head on his chest and to just breathe with him. I want to spend my life in an adventure with a man with brilliant dreams. I don't ever want life to be boring. I want to know him deeply and to be intrigued with the way you made him. God, I long to be looked at with such affection that I am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. I want to enjoy walking and talking with him. To explore life together. to travel. To know more of you God. To run deeper into the depths of your grace. Oh God..when? I want to meet him. I don't want all the insecurity of the beginning of a relationship though. I hate that. I want it to be exciting and full of energy and no fear. God, I know that you know who my next bf and my husband will be. I love you and I really want to meet him. God help make me complete in you. I can never find fulfillment in a man's affections and kisses for me. God I feel so much love through physical touch and I'm almost scared of it. I feel guilty for liking it so much. Especially in public. I feel like others are judging me. Oh God, I don't know how to do this. I love to be kissed and held and physically near someone. God, help me. Should I not kiss til I married? Maybe it will be easier that way? Because sometimes it's more fun to just kiss rather than talk once you start it's kinda addicting. I feel loved when I am hugged and held close so it's hard to come up with good boundaries and that has always bugged me. Please God, show me some Godly wisdom from some women who have felt the same way. Help me not to compare my next relationship with the previous constantly. I want to express myself fully to you and how do I do that if I am dedicating so much of my life to one person? Jesus, I have so many questions. Please teach me to listen to you and to realize that I am never complete until I with you. God it might be easier just not to kiss, actually. I don't know. I look forward to it so much. Please work on my heart. I want to be able to give my all to you with no regrets. I'm so glad that I'm your child and I can talk to you about all of this. Please Jesus...let him come soon. I want to meet him and get to know him so badly. I will trust you.

Oh chick flicks. This is what you stir up in me!

Well, it's 2am and this day...haha. I have so much to be thankful for.
First of all, I woke up at 11:35am. If that isn't something to rejoice over...I don't know what is.
Then I had a really good conversation with cait, I always end up talking to her about the most meaningful things. It's so refreshing and I really love her so very much.
I ate lunch with Carita, joel, chelsey and Kristen. It was good and had some great inside jokes with Chelsey who is apparently "2nd in line to God" bc her opinion matters that much...we talked to Jer afterwards about this idea he has for a photoshoot..
then I got a Twix icecream bar...SO good, it had these little crunchy bits in them that were great! After spending some time reading about Abraham...Cait came back from working out and we had a great convo about Stacy and Casey and Bosnia/spiritual gifts and God. It was so cool. and she wrote back to kcuhc and helped to have some closure...finally!
I had Starbucks with Laurelin and we talked about Sarah and Alex / family / and Chapel and the difference we wanted to see in the way it was run and the way our world works. It was so good and thought provoking. Laurelin really builds me up, she validates almost everything I say and laughs at all my jokes. So nice. =)
then we went to the Dollar store and got food and a reception Cd that has some pretty sweet oldies on it that I couldn't pass up for a buck. Laurelin helped me identify the brakes on my car not working and that I needed to get them checked out soon. Good. Also she is letting me borrow her Chinese book. SCORE!
I came back to the room and looked up logos for Advanced graphics and felt so guilty cuz I didn't go out and run in the beautiful weather. I began to feel really really fat and that I ate too much and yada yada.
Then chelsey called and I went to dinner with her and ended up sitting with her and her friend Jen. It was really fun and I like seeing us all interact in a fun/sarcastic way. then I walked back to the dorm with Chelsey playing the "push you off the sidewalk" game that she really is good at.
When I got back to the dorm I called dad about the brakes and he helped me look up some places and it was good just to be on the phone with him. I talked to him for 40min. Then I went and worked out which helped SO much!! I was renewed with God and it just let off so much of my anxiety. I really like doing the eliptical and the treadmill!~
Then I went back and did major research for photo and email sam,jess and called carita. I have photoshoot on Tuesday and I'm super stoked! I also researched 3Rlighting and kristin came over and used my printer. Then commented on Sharon and Danielle's blogs and created a new one for me called okeydaisy055. Pretty excited. Then I went out and watched erica (running) play cards at the desk with Brittany and another girl and I'm going to go to church with them at 747 tomorrow! yay! I can sLEEP! and I don't have to use my car! Double score! I might have to use it to get posterboard from walmart...but that's okay. Maybe I can just use a white poster and my silver folder. Yep. I bought a gray card online. That easy! I remember when it was super hard to buy stuff online and credit cards were scary. It's so good that they aren't anymore. that's so good. I normally forget to be thankful for that kind of stuff. Lord, I know that you are doing a new thing in my life.


And I don't believe that who I am is something I can find
it's whatever I create with what I do with all my time
and who I choose to love with all my heart my strength and mind
and whether I believe that what I have is really mine.

and I want to live with wider eyes there's far too much to see
to think of nothing else but where I am and where I'll be
I've been longing for the freedom that is waiting silently
in the life that's just beyond the small perimeter of me.

Ellery~

Thank you Lord for restoring my joy. For breaking through the lies of self hate. And giving me brother and sisters who care about me and are lifting each other up.

God, I'm so thankful. Thank you.

i love you.