ugh. Lord I feel so gross. Yesterday Dru talked about the girl from WOW, Shea liking him and then talking to Ashley on the way to pick up Deerock. Lord I know that I shouldn't be jealous but God I definitely am. I feel stupid for liking him when he will probably just find someone else while I'm in China. I mean, I don't talk to him for a couple days and he calls his ex. He said he was sad bc she likes someone else and I can understand that but it still doesn't make this any easier. I am insecure bc she is SO pretty and I've always been jealous of her. God it doesn't make this easy AT all. I feel fat and just one of the many girls that he has chosen to occupy his time. I don't feel special. Lord I'm the only blond that he has been attracted to and I don't know what I think about that. I'm just really insecure and I've been thinking about it all morning. talking to him on the phone didn't help bc he was tired and not very good about making conversation and I am very very UGH!!! Right now. Oh God. This hurts and it hurts also bc I feel like you are telling me that you told me so.....I know this isn't true, but this could definitely be a sign of what to be warned of. He is such an outgoing guy and he will find someone that will really be better for him than I would. God I just feel like I don't have enough in common with him and that I can't talk to him about deep spiritual things that you are teaching me without really trying to bring them up. Lord I want him to bring them up!!! I just don't know. I'm really sad and I've been thinking about it all morning and making myself sick. I ate a bunch of icecream and now I feel fat. I did do alot of data entry for China and that was good...thank you for that. I need to go to the doctor's office and then to the notary. Lord help me to be secure in YOUR love for me. You are a faithful husband who will never leave me or forsake me. Lord I'm not even dating Dru and I'm enforcing these rules that he can't talk to his ex. That's not fair to him. He wouldn't mind if I talked to Chuck or Jeremy. I know this. I just am so hurt bc I think that he might talk to her ALL the time and that they might have more in common and that he still isn't over her. Lord it hurts to be a "filler" and I kind of feel that way. Please help me. I am really hurting and I would love to be focusing on you. Please help me to love and to give. I really need you. I need to give this up to you more than I can even imagine. Please help me to get my China stuff sent out today. I really need your help. I am desperately seeking love and I feel SO LONELY. I feel like no one can truly see me, deep inside. I need you and your affirmation about who I am in you God. Please help me to see past the lies that Satan is throwing up in my face. I am YOURS GOD. I AM LOVED. I AM CHERISHED. I AM CHOSEN. I AM YOUR DAUGHTER. YOUR PRECIOUS ONE. YOUR LILY. YOUR DARLING. I AM LOVED FOR WHO I AM...not what I do. I AM FORGIVEN. I AM BLESSED. I AM SAVED. Oh Jesus renew my heart with your grace. Your everlasting grace. I love you Jesus.

TRUTH.



When I start getting scared about going to China it's good to know that I can rely on Truth that will never ever change unlike my feelings. I'm so grateful for a God who is immutable and will stick with me through the good and bad times. I've been really scared and plagued with thoughts lately about being alone, being forgotten and being incapable. Now I know in my mind that these are lies, but dang....tell my heart that! I was crying my eyes out yesterday morning as I was being beat up with these fears. I'm so grateful for my friends who have comforted me in the midst of these insecurities and told me that it will be okay..even though they know I already "know" it. It's good to be reminded.

Jesus, thank you for Truth in the midst of these fears and struggles in my mind.


I will never be forsaken.

Deuteronomy 31:8

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."



I will never be forgotten.

Isaiah 44:20-22

20 He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him;
he cannot save himself, or say,
"Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?"

21 "Remember these things, O Jacob,
for you are my servant, O Israel.
I have made you, you are my servant;
O Israel, I will not forget you.

22 I have swept away your offenses like a cloud,
your sins like the morning mist.
Return to me,
for I have redeemed you."


I will never be alone.
Joshua 1:5
No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Hebrews 13:5
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."


I don't have to carry this burden for these people on my own.


Numbers 11:17 I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take of the Spirit that is on you and put the Spirit on them. They will help you carry the burden of the people so that you will not have to carry it alone.

Hebrews 7:25 Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.

Romans 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.



Thank you Jesus. You are always here.

NMW. No Matter What.

You ALWAYS pull through. Amazing.

Cya~Kristina~

Imagine.



Jesus looking down at a little girl and showing her the world: smiling, laughing, bright excitement, love, contentment, joy, fulfillment, safety, rest, truth, beauty, cherished...it brings out beauty. Beauty called out.




After I watch this video, I cry EVERY time. Not because it is well made. But because it reminds my heart about who is seeking me and how He longs to hold my affections.



The Lord reminded me...."You are loved, Kristina. don't for forget that I have a plan for you beyond this world, beyond this universe..beyond this place of life. I have called you higher to dwell with me in my heart where I live. Don't be afraid of the heights. You have always wanted to fly.

To fly you must be up high. A risk. A Risk."

I am so easily distractable. Whatever is going on at the moment I am drawn to and it takes my attention. But I've noticed that I am becoming numb. Numb to the things that used to prick my heart and numb to putting the Lord first. I run to everything else that provides temporary fulfillment. I can so feel what Paul is saying in Romans 7:15-18...

"What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time."

How this passage echoes my heart's cry. I long to follow the Lord's commands yet I seem to fall short every time. I can give grace to others quite easily but with myself it is so difficult. I'd rather give excuses.

It's so incredible to me that the Lord is not surprised with my shortcomings. He didn't wake up today and realize that I am fallible. He knew it all along and He fights for me. He fights for my attention. He fights for my affections. He longs to capture my heart and be the first thing on my mind. How is this possible? I don't deserve such a love! Doesn't He know this?! Doesn't He know? I think it scares me that He not only knows that I don't deserve it, but He doesn't care.

He loves me anyway.

The me that no one that I don't allow others to see..He loves all of us this way. What a wonderful Savior! I don't have to be bogged down by guilt but I can be FREE to sing and laugh and play in His presence without fear of condemnation!! I am chosen! YOU are chosen! We can all sing together in Unity because we are messed up...BUT we are loved! He wants me to seek Him first and obey because He knows that that is what is ultimately best for me...and He loves me enough to love me in spite of how I treat Him.

What a beautiful paradox.

I always thought that I was an open person.
Yet I’m learning that I am only open with the 3 specific emotions that I allow others to see. I can let others see me with these 3 emotions: 1. happy/excited 2. joyful 3.tired.

Very few people have seen me cry.


I always thought it was because I was a strong person…because I’ve been though a lot in my 21 years, but no. It’s not because I’m strong. It’s because I’m weak. I’m afraid of getting hurt even further when I’m vulnerable with people with the deeper parts of my personality and my family. Facts are “okay” for be to display but I don’t let others see how this all has affected me. It’s not entirely because I don’t want others to see it, it’s just because I categorize things in my brain and I’ll stuff all the negative feelings that I don’t want to think about in the back part of the attic of my brain and decide that I’ll deal with it later. Later turns into never and before I know it, I don’t even realize that I had even been hurt.


For example. This is hard for me to even type this…but I was so freakin’ scared of coming home this time for Easter break.

My mom is….in and out of my life and I don’t know how to deal with it.

After my parents’ divorce, she moved out and I don’t know where she is living or even her phone number. I’ve always that somehow this was my fault. It doesn’t make sense, but I’ve had to almost raise myself. No wonder I’m so dang independent. The Lord has been telling me this week to mourn the death of the realization that I….didn’t really have a mom. I had to help her and emotionally support her, and be the go-between with her and my dad’s fighting since I was 13 years old. So needless to say, my life has been a little more than complicated.

I saw her over Spring break and she asked me desperately to spend time with her. I thought that it would be fine. So on that Friday we went to go and see a movie and hang out at the mall and get Wendy’s. Sounds like a normal thing for a mom and daughter to do, right? She was hugging me, telling me that she loved me constantly, laughing and for the lack of a better description….clinging to me. Yet, she didn’t really want to know about my life. She had no idea nor did she really care that I’m going to be leaving the country for 10 months in September. She said she would come to my art show, (and a million other things) yet somehow something always comes up and she bails. She isn’t consistent in showing love at all and it makes it hard to believe her when she does profess to love me. It’s hard for me to have the emotional teeter totter of her professing to care SO much about me….and then I don’t hear from her for 4 months. This isn’t normal and I’m so tired of dealing with this alone and telling other that I’m “Fine” when I’m breaking inside. I’ve forgiven her but I haven’t let myself realize that it really does affect me.

I cried in front of my room-mate, Cait, about this situation two days ago….Straight-up balled. And you know what? It actually felt so good. She saw me at my worst…with makeup streaming down my face and emotionally raw….and she still loved me and thought that what I was upset about was valid. It’s like I’ve been hiding behind this mask of trying to help everyone else with their problems and not allowing myself to be real and admit that I have pain in my life too.

I don’t think I would change what I have experienced in life AT ALL. I’m actually really grateful. I don’t think I would be prepared for what the Lord has for me if I had not gone through what I did.


Life in Christ is full of paradoxes.


The greatest Joy comes from the deepest pain.


The most amazing grace is seen most clearly from the deepest mire of sin.


True beauty arises from the ugliest situations.


To gain life, I must completely lose it.



To become rich, I must give all away.

I am in the most control when I am fully surrendered.


I am strongest when I am weak because His strength is displayed in my inabilities.

Love is not just something you receive, it is something you give.

Laughing (a cheerful heart) is the best medicine.

Joy. (I mean it’s a paradox in itself. It does not depend on the situation. Happiness can’t come close to that.)


I love you Jesus. Take me as I am. Help me to live to give. To love. To surrender. To give up my rights. To be real with other about my struggles.


Spring is my favorite season.

Easter is my favorite holiday.

My birthday is coming up on the day after April Fools
I’m so thankful that I am able to breathe.

TODAY is a great day.


Cya~Kristina~

A dream is making a place in my heart. Dear Lord...you are truly amazing. Come and take up all of my tiny heart. I long, I crave your love.

Jesus place your love inside of me. These dreams....I can't contain them. They are too big for me. But not for you. You are beyond my limits. You can contain the deep things of my heart that I cannot understand. I just want to love you. I long to love you with the love that overflows and refills and isn't stingy. God I want to give you all of my heart, my emotions my will and not to compare myself with anyone else. Lord thank you that you made me exactly the way I am.

Thank you that you are rich in mercy and you loved me so very much that even when i was dead because of my sins you gave me life when you raised Christ from the dead. I am under your special favor. I long for your loving touch. I long to be held in your arms. God my heart is overflowing with a theme from my heart. I cannot contain the depths of my soul. They seem to leak out of the seams of my spirit. I want to know you. I want to know you. I want to know you! I long to know the one who woos me continually. I want to know this man. You Lord. Jesus, expand my heart. I want to feel what you feel and to give up my selfish ambitions and desires to fully embrace who you are. Fill me up to the top Lord!

Wow. So Ty wrote me back today!!! I was so scared if I prying or overstepping my bounds when I wrote him but he really seemed to appreciate the encouragement. I'm so glad. I really want to continue to support him when he is going through tough times and I'm so glad that you are talking to him through all of it. It's so good. Lord I just pray that you would continue to help me to let GO of the situation and just let you take care of him. Thank you that you are helping me to give this dream to you rather than taking ahold of it myself. I want to say what you say, go where you go and pray what you pray. Lord thank you that you aren't going to make my life miserable but you are here to help me complete it with your power. God thank you so much for this day ..church was SO good and it really spoke directly to what I was dealing with in my heart and letting go of that control and giving my dreams to you. Thank you for letting me talk to Chase and Emily and Matt afterwards. It felt really good to be part of a community...you are even helping me to have a better relationship with Christy who I was bitter at for SO long. Lord you are so good! Thank you for healing that part of my heart.

i love you daddy.

And I don't believe that who I am is something I can find
it's whatever I create with what I do with all my time
and who I choose to love with all my heart my strength and mind
and whether I believe that what I have is really mine.

and I want to live with wider eyes there's far too much to see
to think of nothing else but where I am and where I'll be
I've been longing for the freedom that is waiting silently
in the life that's just beyond the small perimeter of me.

Ellery~