What I've been learning....

Excerpts from “Hind’s Feet on High Places”

She began to understand quite clearly that truth cannot be understood from books alone or by any written words, but only by personal growth and development in understanding, and that things written even in the Book of Books can be astonishingly misunderstood while one still lives on the low levels of spiritual experience and on the wrong side of the grave on the mountains.

What she learned...

1.First, I learned that I must accept with joy all that you allowed to happen to me on the way and everything to which the path led me! That I was never to try to evade it but to accept it and lay down my own will on the altar and say, “Behold me, I am thy little handmaiden Acceptance with Joy.

2.Then I learned that I must bear all that others were allowed to do against me and to forgive with no trace of bitterness and to say to thee “Behold me I am thy little handmaiden Bearing with Love that I may receive power to bring good out to this evil


3.Thirdly I learned that you, my L, never regarded me as I actually was, Lame and weak and crooked and cowardly. YOU SAW ME as I would be when you had done what you promised and had brought me to the High Places, when it could be truly said “there is none that walks with such a queenly ease, no such grace as she” You always treated me with the same love and graciousness as though I were a queen already and not wretched little Much Afraid. I want So much to regard others in the same way! A very lovely smile broke out on his face at that, but he said nothing only nodded for the third time and waited for her to continue.

4.The fourth thing (she said with a radiant face) was really the first I learned up here. Every circumstance in life, no matter how crooked and distorted and ugly appears to be, if it is reacted to in love and forgiveness and obedience to your will can be transformed.


5.Therefore I began to think, my L, you purposely allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil things that you want changed. Perhaps that is the VERY reason why were are here in this world, where sin and sorrow and suffering and evil abound, so that we may let you teach us so to react to them, that out of them we can create lovely qualities to live forever. That is the only really satisfactory way of dealing with evil, not simply binding it so it cannot work harm, but whenever possible overcoming it with good.

At last He spoke, “You have learned well, Grace and Glory. Now I will add one thing more. It was these lessons which you have learned which enabled me to change you from limping crippled Much Afraid into Grace and Glory with the hinds’ feet. Now you are able to run, leaping on the mountains and able to follow me wherever I go, so that we need never be parted again. So remember this; as long as you are willing to be Acceptance with Joy and Bearing in Love you can never again become crippled and you will be able to go wherever I lead you. You will be able to go down into the Valley of the world to work with me there, for that is where the evil and sorrowful and ugly things are which need to be overcome.
Accept and bear and obey the Law of Love and nothing will be able to cripple your hind’s feet or to separate you from me. This is the secret of the High Places, Grace-and-Glory, it is the lovely and perfect law of the whole universe. It is this that makes the radiant joy of the Heavenly Places then he rose to his feet, drew her up beside Him and said “Now use your hinds’ feet again for I am going to lead you to another part of the mountain.”


Set me as a seal upon Thine heart
Thou Love more strong than death
That I may feel through every part
Thy burning, fiery breath
And then like wax held in the flame
May take the imprint of thy Name
Set me a seal upon Thine arm,
Thou Love that bursts the grave
Thy coals of fire can never harm,
But only purge and save.
Thou jealous Love, thou burning Flame,
Oh burn out all unlike thy Name
The floods can NEVER drown thy Love,
Nor weaken thy desire,
The rains may deluge from above
But never quench thy fire
Make soft my heart in thy strong flame,
To take the imprint of thy Name

I've become bitter and enraptured by this world.

I long to be free.

Perhaps Fairy Tales are even more true than "Real Life". I've just stopped believing in them to face "reality".


I'm tired.

I want to hope again.

True bravery exists. and I do have a Prince on a White Horse who is coming for me. I long to be swept off my feet.

Jesus, take me back to my first Love.

Cleanse my heart from this unholiness, these idols...these lies which have consumed me.

NO longer. I want to Hope again in your unfailing love


Have no anxiety in anything but in everything by prayer and petition let your requests be made known unto God, and the peace of God which passes all understanding shall guard your hearts in Christ Jesus.

Take every thought captive...

we have the Mind of Christ

He is FOR us.

I will Trust. He is GOOD. He is working everything for my favor

I will not hide to prevent another's insecurity. I will be FULLY me. NO masks. Shining. Who am I not to be brilliant, talented and fabulous?


Renew me Lord. I know I will be misuderstood, but take me deeper into your Love. I long to be Loved and to Love. Fill my heart.


Fill my mind with the things that uplift and encourage. Fairy tales. Real Reality

God I'm so confused, I'm really starting to fall in love with Andrew but..it's so messy. I'm just hurt that I don't think I can be all that he wants me to be. To be 100% accepting and to listen without judging and to be willing to not give advice and show my real self. God, dang..this is hard. This isn't easy. I'm just not sure I'm ready for this. I mean, I'm frustrated that I don't know how to do all these things. I know that he is tired today and frustrated with his life situation. Please Jesus, I ask that you would give him clarity and increase his trust. Bring him peace and closure in these times and help him to really be able to be vulnerable. Oh God, thank you for the man that you have made him to be, I pray that you would continue to work in his life and transform him and give him your passion for the lost and your passion in loving others without judging them. Thank you that you have placed him in my life, I ask that you would help me with this jealousy thing. I am so extremely jealous of Ashley that I can't even stand it. It hurts even more because she looks like everything that I would ever have wanted to look like. God...also she is much better about identifying and conveying non-judgmental thoughts to him. Maybe someone like that is better for him because I just don't know if I could ever be that person. Please help me. Jesus I am hurting so much right now and I just don't know what else to do. I just need....you, God. I need you. I feel like Dru isn't a super stable person in my life, but that is only bc I am mad at him right now for placing these expectations that I feel like I could never fufill. I read some of the things that he wrote with Ashley and she is just so good at expressing her thoughts and conveying acceptance. I just wish I could do that. but Lord...you know who I am and what I'm like and you like me exactly as I am. Please just give me your help as I'm faced with a multitude of these thoughts. I would rather just retreat than to stick it out and be rejected. It hurts so much to show vulnerabiltiy and then have it stuck back in your face. Please help me. I'm learning but it feels like I'm learning too slow. I just don't know what to do...I'm hurting...

Jesus, I don't know what I'm feeling. I just know that I'm really starting to like Dru. The more I get to know him the more I see you in him and how much I would love to grow with him. I really enjoy his humor, his perspective on life, the deep conversations, his wittiness, his friends, his ability to include others, his outgoing nature, how people are drawn to him, how he loves despite rejection, his drive to give grace, how he is incredibly encouraging, his ability to listen, his advice, his compassion, the amazing dynamic of being a strong man yet very sensitive and love the beauty of words. How he loves writing, and how he emails/messages back right away. How he analyzes people the same way I do and wants to talk about it. His ability to listen and ability to hold captivating conversation...he really is smart.

ugh. Lord I feel so gross. Yesterday Dru talked about the girl from WOW, Shea liking him and then talking to Ashley on the way to pick up Deerock. Lord I know that I shouldn't be jealous but God I definitely am. I feel stupid for liking him when he will probably just find someone else while I'm in China. I mean, I don't talk to him for a couple days and he calls his ex. He said he was sad bc she likes someone else and I can understand that but it still doesn't make this any easier. I am insecure bc she is SO pretty and I've always been jealous of her. God it doesn't make this easy AT all. I feel fat and just one of the many girls that he has chosen to occupy his time. I don't feel special. Lord I'm the only blond that he has been attracted to and I don't know what I think about that. I'm just really insecure and I've been thinking about it all morning. talking to him on the phone didn't help bc he was tired and not very good about making conversation and I am very very UGH!!! Right now. Oh God. This hurts and it hurts also bc I feel like you are telling me that you told me so.....I know this isn't true, but this could definitely be a sign of what to be warned of. He is such an outgoing guy and he will find someone that will really be better for him than I would. God I just feel like I don't have enough in common with him and that I can't talk to him about deep spiritual things that you are teaching me without really trying to bring them up. Lord I want him to bring them up!!! I just don't know. I'm really sad and I've been thinking about it all morning and making myself sick. I ate a bunch of icecream and now I feel fat. I did do alot of data entry for China and that was good...thank you for that. I need to go to the doctor's office and then to the notary. Lord help me to be secure in YOUR love for me. You are a faithful husband who will never leave me or forsake me. Lord I'm not even dating Dru and I'm enforcing these rules that he can't talk to his ex. That's not fair to him. He wouldn't mind if I talked to Chuck or Jeremy. I know this. I just am so hurt bc I think that he might talk to her ALL the time and that they might have more in common and that he still isn't over her. Lord it hurts to be a "filler" and I kind of feel that way. Please help me. I am really hurting and I would love to be focusing on you. Please help me to love and to give. I really need you. I need to give this up to you more than I can even imagine. Please help me to get my China stuff sent out today. I really need your help. I am desperately seeking love and I feel SO LONELY. I feel like no one can truly see me, deep inside. I need you and your affirmation about who I am in you God. Please help me to see past the lies that Satan is throwing up in my face. I am YOURS GOD. I AM LOVED. I AM CHERISHED. I AM CHOSEN. I AM YOUR DAUGHTER. YOUR PRECIOUS ONE. YOUR LILY. YOUR DARLING. I AM LOVED FOR WHO I AM...not what I do. I AM FORGIVEN. I AM BLESSED. I AM SAVED. Oh Jesus renew my heart with your grace. Your everlasting grace. I love you Jesus.

TRUTH.



When I start getting scared about going to China it's good to know that I can rely on Truth that will never ever change unlike my feelings. I'm so grateful for a God who is immutable and will stick with me through the good and bad times. I've been really scared and plagued with thoughts lately about being alone, being forgotten and being incapable. Now I know in my mind that these are lies, but dang....tell my heart that! I was crying my eyes out yesterday morning as I was being beat up with these fears. I'm so grateful for my friends who have comforted me in the midst of these insecurities and told me that it will be okay..even though they know I already "know" it. It's good to be reminded.

Jesus, thank you for Truth in the midst of these fears and struggles in my mind.


I will never be forsaken.

Deuteronomy 31:8

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."



I will never be forgotten.

Isaiah 44:20-22

20 He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him;
he cannot save himself, or say,
"Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?"

21 "Remember these things, O Jacob,
for you are my servant, O Israel.
I have made you, you are my servant;
O Israel, I will not forget you.

22 I have swept away your offenses like a cloud,
your sins like the morning mist.
Return to me,
for I have redeemed you."


I will never be alone.
Joshua 1:5
No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Hebrews 13:5
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."


I don't have to carry this burden for these people on my own.


Numbers 11:17 I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take of the Spirit that is on you and put the Spirit on them. They will help you carry the burden of the people so that you will not have to carry it alone.

Hebrews 7:25 Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.

Romans 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.



Thank you Jesus. You are always here.

NMW. No Matter What.

You ALWAYS pull through. Amazing.

Cya~Kristina~

Imagine.



Jesus looking down at a little girl and showing her the world: smiling, laughing, bright excitement, love, contentment, joy, fulfillment, safety, rest, truth, beauty, cherished...it brings out beauty. Beauty called out.




After I watch this video, I cry EVERY time. Not because it is well made. But because it reminds my heart about who is seeking me and how He longs to hold my affections.



The Lord reminded me...."You are loved, Kristina. don't for forget that I have a plan for you beyond this world, beyond this universe..beyond this place of life. I have called you higher to dwell with me in my heart where I live. Don't be afraid of the heights. You have always wanted to fly.

To fly you must be up high. A risk. A Risk."

I am so easily distractable. Whatever is going on at the moment I am drawn to and it takes my attention. But I've noticed that I am becoming numb. Numb to the things that used to prick my heart and numb to putting the Lord first. I run to everything else that provides temporary fulfillment. I can so feel what Paul is saying in Romans 7:15-18...

"What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time."

How this passage echoes my heart's cry. I long to follow the Lord's commands yet I seem to fall short every time. I can give grace to others quite easily but with myself it is so difficult. I'd rather give excuses.

It's so incredible to me that the Lord is not surprised with my shortcomings. He didn't wake up today and realize that I am fallible. He knew it all along and He fights for me. He fights for my attention. He fights for my affections. He longs to capture my heart and be the first thing on my mind. How is this possible? I don't deserve such a love! Doesn't He know this?! Doesn't He know? I think it scares me that He not only knows that I don't deserve it, but He doesn't care.

He loves me anyway.

The me that no one that I don't allow others to see..He loves all of us this way. What a wonderful Savior! I don't have to be bogged down by guilt but I can be FREE to sing and laugh and play in His presence without fear of condemnation!! I am chosen! YOU are chosen! We can all sing together in Unity because we are messed up...BUT we are loved! He wants me to seek Him first and obey because He knows that that is what is ultimately best for me...and He loves me enough to love me in spite of how I treat Him.

What a beautiful paradox.

I always thought that I was an open person.
Yet I’m learning that I am only open with the 3 specific emotions that I allow others to see. I can let others see me with these 3 emotions: 1. happy/excited 2. joyful 3.tired.

Very few people have seen me cry.


I always thought it was because I was a strong person…because I’ve been though a lot in my 21 years, but no. It’s not because I’m strong. It’s because I’m weak. I’m afraid of getting hurt even further when I’m vulnerable with people with the deeper parts of my personality and my family. Facts are “okay” for be to display but I don’t let others see how this all has affected me. It’s not entirely because I don’t want others to see it, it’s just because I categorize things in my brain and I’ll stuff all the negative feelings that I don’t want to think about in the back part of the attic of my brain and decide that I’ll deal with it later. Later turns into never and before I know it, I don’t even realize that I had even been hurt.


For example. This is hard for me to even type this…but I was so freakin’ scared of coming home this time for Easter break.

My mom is….in and out of my life and I don’t know how to deal with it.

After my parents’ divorce, she moved out and I don’t know where she is living or even her phone number. I’ve always that somehow this was my fault. It doesn’t make sense, but I’ve had to almost raise myself. No wonder I’m so dang independent. The Lord has been telling me this week to mourn the death of the realization that I….didn’t really have a mom. I had to help her and emotionally support her, and be the go-between with her and my dad’s fighting since I was 13 years old. So needless to say, my life has been a little more than complicated.

I saw her over Spring break and she asked me desperately to spend time with her. I thought that it would be fine. So on that Friday we went to go and see a movie and hang out at the mall and get Wendy’s. Sounds like a normal thing for a mom and daughter to do, right? She was hugging me, telling me that she loved me constantly, laughing and for the lack of a better description….clinging to me. Yet, she didn’t really want to know about my life. She had no idea nor did she really care that I’m going to be leaving the country for 10 months in September. She said she would come to my art show, (and a million other things) yet somehow something always comes up and she bails. She isn’t consistent in showing love at all and it makes it hard to believe her when she does profess to love me. It’s hard for me to have the emotional teeter totter of her professing to care SO much about me….and then I don’t hear from her for 4 months. This isn’t normal and I’m so tired of dealing with this alone and telling other that I’m “Fine” when I’m breaking inside. I’ve forgiven her but I haven’t let myself realize that it really does affect me.

I cried in front of my room-mate, Cait, about this situation two days ago….Straight-up balled. And you know what? It actually felt so good. She saw me at my worst…with makeup streaming down my face and emotionally raw….and she still loved me and thought that what I was upset about was valid. It’s like I’ve been hiding behind this mask of trying to help everyone else with their problems and not allowing myself to be real and admit that I have pain in my life too.

I don’t think I would change what I have experienced in life AT ALL. I’m actually really grateful. I don’t think I would be prepared for what the Lord has for me if I had not gone through what I did.


Life in Christ is full of paradoxes.


The greatest Joy comes from the deepest pain.


The most amazing grace is seen most clearly from the deepest mire of sin.


True beauty arises from the ugliest situations.


To gain life, I must completely lose it.



To become rich, I must give all away.

I am in the most control when I am fully surrendered.


I am strongest when I am weak because His strength is displayed in my inabilities.

Love is not just something you receive, it is something you give.

Laughing (a cheerful heart) is the best medicine.

Joy. (I mean it’s a paradox in itself. It does not depend on the situation. Happiness can’t come close to that.)


I love you Jesus. Take me as I am. Help me to live to give. To love. To surrender. To give up my rights. To be real with other about my struggles.


Spring is my favorite season.

Easter is my favorite holiday.

My birthday is coming up on the day after April Fools
I’m so thankful that I am able to breathe.

TODAY is a great day.


Cya~Kristina~

A dream is making a place in my heart. Dear Lord...you are truly amazing. Come and take up all of my tiny heart. I long, I crave your love.

Jesus place your love inside of me. These dreams....I can't contain them. They are too big for me. But not for you. You are beyond my limits. You can contain the deep things of my heart that I cannot understand. I just want to love you. I long to love you with the love that overflows and refills and isn't stingy. God I want to give you all of my heart, my emotions my will and not to compare myself with anyone else. Lord thank you that you made me exactly the way I am.

Thank you that you are rich in mercy and you loved me so very much that even when i was dead because of my sins you gave me life when you raised Christ from the dead. I am under your special favor. I long for your loving touch. I long to be held in your arms. God my heart is overflowing with a theme from my heart. I cannot contain the depths of my soul. They seem to leak out of the seams of my spirit. I want to know you. I want to know you. I want to know you! I long to know the one who woos me continually. I want to know this man. You Lord. Jesus, expand my heart. I want to feel what you feel and to give up my selfish ambitions and desires to fully embrace who you are. Fill me up to the top Lord!

Wow. So Ty wrote me back today!!! I was so scared if I prying or overstepping my bounds when I wrote him but he really seemed to appreciate the encouragement. I'm so glad. I really want to continue to support him when he is going through tough times and I'm so glad that you are talking to him through all of it. It's so good. Lord I just pray that you would continue to help me to let GO of the situation and just let you take care of him. Thank you that you are helping me to give this dream to you rather than taking ahold of it myself. I want to say what you say, go where you go and pray what you pray. Lord thank you that you aren't going to make my life miserable but you are here to help me complete it with your power. God thank you so much for this day ..church was SO good and it really spoke directly to what I was dealing with in my heart and letting go of that control and giving my dreams to you. Thank you for letting me talk to Chase and Emily and Matt afterwards. It felt really good to be part of a community...you are even helping me to have a better relationship with Christy who I was bitter at for SO long. Lord you are so good! Thank you for healing that part of my heart.

i love you daddy.

And I don't believe that who I am is something I can find
it's whatever I create with what I do with all my time
and who I choose to love with all my heart my strength and mind
and whether I believe that what I have is really mine.

and I want to live with wider eyes there's far too much to see
to think of nothing else but where I am and where I'll be
I've been longing for the freedom that is waiting silently
in the life that's just beyond the small perimeter of me.

Ellery~

hmm..

Lord jesus,

I'm holding onto you. I know that you will provide and you won't let me fall. It's scary to risk and to love with the fear of not being loved in return. Oh Jesus. Thank you that you love me with an everlasting love. Bless this night's sleep and I ask that you would protect it with your strength and your angels. Bless it and help me to really enjoy the rest you have given. Thank you for talia coming to church with me tomorrow and please help me to uplift her and just be a good big sister. Thank you for tonight and the unity you have brought. It's so encouraging and exciting. Lord please protect Joel's rest tonight and cause excitement and newness of life to well up within him. I pray that you would bless erica and forgive me for any feelings of resentment towards her since she brought pain/jealousy to carita. lord I trust and I rest in you. please fill her dreams with dreams of you and of your mercy. Thank you Jesus for who you made carita to be and how you've brought us back together as friends! that's so exciting. Lord help me to wake up with optimism to enjoy every moment rather than waiting for ty to email me back or see me at lunch. Sure, he's a cool guy but he doesn't fufill me like you do. I want to live my life sold out as a servant for you, Lord. Help me with my eating too, Lord. I'm kinda going overboard and I need you to just help me to eat moderately rather than all out. Thank you for helping me with that. I'm sorry and thank you for all of the blessings you have provided today. With cleaning and just joy and getting lunch for carita and dropping off mail and spending time with Hannah and going to Walmart. Lord you are so good to me. Seeing ty at dinner...he just seemed so down. God it hurts me to see him like that. Not only because I'm selfishly wanting him to be happy around me but also my heart hurts that he isn't experiencing joy. Lord fill him up with your contentment and peace and your rest. Thank you that you have given him peace beyond his ability to comprehend it. thank you that you are just working out the situations of his life that just seem impossible. Bless him with good night's rest and dreams that glorify you. You are such a good good God. Lord encourage his heart and help me to support him and really care about him as my friend. Lord thank you for all that you are doing with Carita, hannah's and my life. Teach me to be true to your calling. Thank you for allowing me to email ty tonight! It was so exciting to know that I could email him adn tell him what was on my heart about what he is dealing with. Help me to be a support to him and not just to email him for my own benefit. Thank you Jesus. You are such a good God. I trust in you. Grant me peace tonight because I still contain some anxiety. I bless you Jesus you are my all in all. I love you.

cya~Kristina~

a new day

Lord Jesus, I need you. Thank you so much for this morning. I feel really beautiful. Thank you for helping me to clean up my room and just clear some of those thoughts in my head. Lord continue to help with this journey I'm on with loving Ty. God, I want to follow you above anyone and I need you to help me to focus on serving you as your servant. Lord, you know every thought in my head and I just love that about you. Thanks for being so good to me in the prayer meeting last night. I really needed to talk to hannah and carita and it was really good to be able to relate to each other in that area. I want to give up control to you. I keep wondering why he didn't come but I know that he has good reasons. Lord thank you for aunt Cindy calling, it was so good to hear from her and that she might take off work and bring alexa up for my senior show. that's so exciting! Lord I'm so excited that my family and friends are going to attend. It makes me so glad and it almost makes all the work and pain worth it. haha. Please help me to keep that in perspective because I know that you are working out everything for my good. Lord Jesus, I'm broken. I can't do anything on my own and I need you to fill up this gaping void inside my soul. Even if Ty and I dated...it still wouldn't fill that hole. Lord help me to give him up to you. I want to support him with prayer and to intercede for him no matter if we get together or not. He is such an amazing guy and I want to love him like you do. Teach me how to love with the love that you give...even if it hurts, Lord. Thank you that you've made him. Thank you for the gentle spirit and the compassionate willing heart that you have given him. Thank you for making him a leader and giving him the balance of accepting and rejecting ideas with moderation. You are such a good God. Lord Jesus fill my heart. Thank you for letting me fall into your arms and just break down all the walls that I think that I am. Let me give up this image of myself that I want to portray and help me just to trust you to make me what you will. Lord I give up my future to you. No longer am I going to try to figure it all out. I trust that you will tell me when I need to move and what I need to do, day to day. I've been wondering if I should send out some of the marketing pkgs....but please confirm it and where to send them. Lord thank you that you have a divine business plan for me Lord Jesus. I want to follow you step by step rather than trying to figure it all out on my own. Calm my fears and let me rest in you. Thank you so much for your peace right now and the gentle music playing in the background. I don't want to give him up and even now I'm hoping that he will be in the student center when I go to put my mail in the slot or when I go to the art building. LORD!! I'm so tired of trying to manipulate my life. I want you to take control. Please help Hannah as she talks to Dilan and about the photo shoot. Teach me to pray and to help and support her. Lord not my will. Yours. I'm your servant and I know that I will only be fulfilled when I am following you. I want to be able to rejoice in the hardships and trials and know that I can be joyful in you. Lord thank you that you know all my thoughts and you still love me just the way I am. I want to be able to love you and to love ty like that. Open my mind to new horizons. I don't want an ordinary life. I want a life that is full of adventure and new beginnings and growth in you. Thank you so much that I am hungry and experiencing you and your grace in my life. Thank you so much for helping me with my eating and with all the thoughts of hatred towards myself. I want to give that all up to you. Lord, help Ahna even right now and help her to see the joy in your salvation and to be filled with your spirit today. Teach me to overflow with the power of your Holy Spirit. I'm so thankful that you hold onto me. Carry me dear Lord. Carry me. I love you.

Acts 2:25-28 (New International Version)

" 'I saw the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
26Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will live in hope,
27because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
28You have made known to me the paths of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence.

Sooo....there's this guy....

Jesus....I'm so confused. Is this not your will for me? Am I settling for 2nd best? I think that Ty is amaaaaazing and I'm not sure how to react to the tumultuous feelings of different emotions. God I almost wish it was a simple yes or no so I don't have to try to judge him to say no. I'm absolutely crazy when I'm around him. He makes me so happy. The only thing I see that makes me say no is that I might move to China and he has one more year of school left. BUT GOD! He's so perfect. I would love to have some deep conversations with him and just pick his brain. He is also SO attractive. I'm not attracted to a lot of guys, but he is SO cute. I am in awe of his love for people and his love for you. He is also really smart and has a love for you. I feel like he really cares about what is going on in people's lives. Lord I really want to spend time with him, it's crazy. It made me sad that he didn't come to prayer tonight and chose to watch Lost instead. Do I really want a guy who would do that? Hmm...Well I guess I don't know the whole story but that wasn't cool. Lord, should I excuse that? But I really really really like him and I just wanted him to come. It was so good to talk and listen to him beforehand and you really do seem to put him in my path when I don't ask you to. Like at dinner tonight. I wished that I could go over to him in line and ask him a question but he came OVER TO OUR TABLE! Ahh...I love it. He's so smart and dang he looked really good in his tshirt tonight. I don't know how a relationship would work though...I mean we would be so far apart! ugh...i hate trying to plan things when they aren't controllable or plannable. God, teach me how to trust you in this situation. I pray that you would help me to wait on your perfect timing rather than trying to take control and create my own perfect situation. God help me to let him go if that is what is needed. I trust that if I let him go that we can become even better friends than if I held onto the hope of a relationship. Help me to focus on you and your truth rather than on him. Thank you that you are in control and that I can trust you. It was so good to hear from Jon and all that you are doing in his life and his relationship with Danielle. Lord I want to just live in the here and now and just let you take care of the rest. I can let you take care of me and I don't have to manipulate. help me with ALLLLL the HW

oh Jesus. How I don't know if I can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lord Jesus,...How do I explain this feeling...I want a relationship so bad. I want to be loved and to love someone so much. To be kissed softly and looked at with eyes that long to know more of my soul. God, I want to rest my head on his chest and to just breathe with him. I want to spend my life in an adventure with a man with brilliant dreams. I don't ever want life to be boring. I want to know him deeply and to be intrigued with the way you made him. God, I long to be looked at with such affection that I am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. I want to enjoy walking and talking with him. To explore life together. to travel. To know more of you God. To run deeper into the depths of your grace. Oh God..when? I want to meet him. I don't want all the insecurity of the beginning of a relationship though. I hate that. I want it to be exciting and full of energy and no fear. God, I know that you know who my next bf and my husband will be. I love you and I really want to meet him. God help make me complete in you. I can never find fulfillment in a man's affections and kisses for me. God I feel so much love through physical touch and I'm almost scared of it. I feel guilty for liking it so much. Especially in public. I feel like others are judging me. Oh God, I don't know how to do this. I love to be kissed and held and physically near someone. God, help me. Should I not kiss til I married? Maybe it will be easier that way? Because sometimes it's more fun to just kiss rather than talk once you start it's kinda addicting. I feel loved when I am hugged and held close so it's hard to come up with good boundaries and that has always bugged me. Please God, show me some Godly wisdom from some women who have felt the same way. Help me not to compare my next relationship with the previous constantly. I want to express myself fully to you and how do I do that if I am dedicating so much of my life to one person? Jesus, I have so many questions. Please teach me to listen to you and to realize that I am never complete until I with you. God it might be easier just not to kiss, actually. I don't know. I look forward to it so much. Please work on my heart. I want to be able to give my all to you with no regrets. I'm so glad that I'm your child and I can talk to you about all of this. Please Jesus...let him come soon. I want to meet him and get to know him so badly. I will trust you.

Oh chick flicks. This is what you stir up in me!

Well, it's 2am and this day...haha. I have so much to be thankful for.
First of all, I woke up at 11:35am. If that isn't something to rejoice over...I don't know what is.
Then I had a really good conversation with cait, I always end up talking to her about the most meaningful things. It's so refreshing and I really love her so very much.
I ate lunch with Carita, joel, chelsey and Kristen. It was good and had some great inside jokes with Chelsey who is apparently "2nd in line to God" bc her opinion matters that much...we talked to Jer afterwards about this idea he has for a photoshoot..
then I got a Twix icecream bar...SO good, it had these little crunchy bits in them that were great! After spending some time reading about Abraham...Cait came back from working out and we had a great convo about Stacy and Casey and Bosnia/spiritual gifts and God. It was so cool. and she wrote back to kcuhc and helped to have some closure...finally!
I had Starbucks with Laurelin and we talked about Sarah and Alex / family / and Chapel and the difference we wanted to see in the way it was run and the way our world works. It was so good and thought provoking. Laurelin really builds me up, she validates almost everything I say and laughs at all my jokes. So nice. =)
then we went to the Dollar store and got food and a reception Cd that has some pretty sweet oldies on it that I couldn't pass up for a buck. Laurelin helped me identify the brakes on my car not working and that I needed to get them checked out soon. Good. Also she is letting me borrow her Chinese book. SCORE!
I came back to the room and looked up logos for Advanced graphics and felt so guilty cuz I didn't go out and run in the beautiful weather. I began to feel really really fat and that I ate too much and yada yada.
Then chelsey called and I went to dinner with her and ended up sitting with her and her friend Jen. It was really fun and I like seeing us all interact in a fun/sarcastic way. then I walked back to the dorm with Chelsey playing the "push you off the sidewalk" game that she really is good at.
When I got back to the dorm I called dad about the brakes and he helped me look up some places and it was good just to be on the phone with him. I talked to him for 40min. Then I went and worked out which helped SO much!! I was renewed with God and it just let off so much of my anxiety. I really like doing the eliptical and the treadmill!~
Then I went back and did major research for photo and email sam,jess and called carita. I have photoshoot on Tuesday and I'm super stoked! I also researched 3Rlighting and kristin came over and used my printer. Then commented on Sharon and Danielle's blogs and created a new one for me called okeydaisy055. Pretty excited. Then I went out and watched erica (running) play cards at the desk with Brittany and another girl and I'm going to go to church with them at 747 tomorrow! yay! I can sLEEP! and I don't have to use my car! Double score! I might have to use it to get posterboard from walmart...but that's okay. Maybe I can just use a white poster and my silver folder. Yep. I bought a gray card online. That easy! I remember when it was super hard to buy stuff online and credit cards were scary. It's so good that they aren't anymore. that's so good. I normally forget to be thankful for that kind of stuff. Lord, I know that you are doing a new thing in my life.


And I don't believe that who I am is something I can find
it's whatever I create with what I do with all my time
and who I choose to love with all my heart my strength and mind
and whether I believe that what I have is really mine.

and I want to live with wider eyes there's far too much to see
to think of nothing else but where I am and where I'll be
I've been longing for the freedom that is waiting silently
in the life that's just beyond the small perimeter of me.

Ellery~

Thank you Lord for restoring my joy. For breaking through the lies of self hate. And giving me brother and sisters who care about me and are lifting each other up.

God, I'm so thankful. Thank you.

i love you.